Unusual Methods
by Ranting Flamer 2060
Summary: Someone is attacking Megatron and Starscream. Weapon of choice? Care Bears! One Shot Crack Fic


This is our first post on our joint crack fiction account, where we plan on posting all the random stuff our brains come up with... We're a couple of artists who normally don't write much so here goes. We both worked on this so cookies if you can tell who wrote what. Heres your clue: The first paragraph was written by Kittara and the second by Kittona. After that it's umm...kinda jumbled so good luck.

Found this little beauty on the bunny farm over at LJ. (If you haven't been to the bunny farm you're missing out. There be a link in our profile.) Its original owner was Kirin Saga.

The bunny at large? Megatron gets attacked by Care Bears. We added in Starscream for kicks and giggles. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: We don't own Care Bears or Transformers. If we owned transformers there would be some serious restaffing in both the art and story writing departments for the cartoons. But alas, as we don't we will settle for haunting DA and fanfic for new awesomeness.

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**Unusual Methods**

It was a normal day for Starscream as he made his way down to his lab. Attempt to avoid Megatron, and fail. Get yelled at and beaten up by previously mentioned mech. Again. Visit the med bay and have a 'nice' long talk with Hook, involving several threats of using Mixmaster's chemical compounds the next time he showed up. Yes, just the normal average day, until....

"Hi! I'm Hugs! Will you play with me?" Starscream jumped about six feet in the air and then quickly glanced around the hallway to insure that no one had seen his undignified reaction. That taken care of, and no unfortunate witnesses to kill, he began searching for the threat.

He found said threat at the base of the doorway he had just walked through to get to section B of the ship. And just stared. It was only about 15 inches tall, he could easily have smashed it without even noticing, but Primus was it loud! Starscream carefully poked at it with one pede and when it didn't attack, he knelt down to get a closer look. It seemed to be some sort of organic bear creature and it was pink. He stretched his hand toward it and it latched onto his finger. Starscream yelped and stumbled backwards shaking his hand. As the...the _thing _went flying it said in that Primus forsaken _cheerful_ voice, "You're my bestest friend!"

Starscream stood up, once again checking to make sure no one had heard his undignified yelp and praying to any deity that would listen that the mech on monitor duty wasn't paying attention. He brushed himself off and hurried down the hall to his lab deciding that the safest course of action was to ignore the possessed stuffed animal and put it from his processor.

Once in his lab, Starscream let out a sigh. No more possessed organic simulated animals. Starscream quickly forgot the scene in the hall as he buried himself in his work. It wasn't until later when he heard a yell from Megatron that he even thought about what might happen if anyone else stumbled into the presence of the annoying pink bear. He quickly bit back a laugh as the enraged commander came barging into his lab brandishing the bear.

"I didn't know you enjoyed playing with organic creatures, _Mighty leader_." Starscream sneered, hoping his ploy would hide his fear of the ugly pink thing attached to Megatron's hand.

"Starscream!!! What is this!?" Megatron shoved the pink vermin into the seeker's face. "Is this some bi-plane brained plot of yours to overthrow me again?" Megatron's voice became a low hiss.

"What?! How could you possibly think I had anything to do with this?!" Shouted an enraged Starscream as he threw the pink monstrosity to the other side of the room, flinching as it giggled.

Megatron just glared and then said, voice heavy with sarcasm, "Oh I don't know, it's not like you ever do anything like this!"

"I wouldn't have used _that_, oh mighty leader." Starscream had had enough of Megatron's accusations for the day. "Now was there something else you wanted to tell me, _oh mighty leader_? You can't have very well have come all the way down here with the excuse of 'just taking a stroll'."

Just then from the corner the pink thing giggled again and said "Can I play too?" Both of them jumped slightly and Megatron just growled and stormed out of the lab.

"Starscream we have a meeting in three breems, make sure you're there."

Starscream muttered to himself "'Make sure your there Starscream.' Like I'd miss something like that. He could have just commed me, what did he really want? Maybe this was all his idea.... no that's giving his creativity way to much credit..." Starscream then proceeded to look for the 'bear' so that he could dispose of it and work in peace, but it seemed to have vanished. He just shook his head and went back to work.

Later that day Megatron was sitting at his desk looking over Starscream's most recent report. He sighed in frustration. Suddenly he heard a high pitched voice coming from somewhere in his room.

"Why such a glum face? You should smile more." Megatron whipped around and tried to find the offender, his fusion cannon at the ready. Then across the room from him, on his recharge berth no less, (the nerve!) he spied another of those disgusting facsimile organics ('bears' he thought they were called. Not that Lord Megatron spends his spare time thinking about such things).

Megatron glared at the offending pile of cotton (it was _pink_ again he noted) and vaporised it with his cannon. "Looks like Starscream's newest strategy is to _annoy_ me to death." Powering down his fusion cannon, he went back to the abandoned reports.

In the monitor room someone smirked. The mech next to him snickered and commented, "We're going to need more Care Bears if this keeps up."

Over the next couple of weeks it seemed like neither Megatron nor Starscream could go anywhere without seeing one of those infernal 'Care Bears'(Starscream had looked closely enough at one to at least determine what it was before dropping it in a vat of acid). They were even woken during their respective recharge cycles by that infernal giggling. Megatron had taken to vaporising them on sight and Starscream had given not a few the acid treatment. He even froze a few in liquid Nitrogen and then dropped them to watch as they shattered into a few thousand pieces.

"They're everywhere! If I hear one more word about cheer and good will..." Starscream could be heard muttering as he walked down the halls of the Nemesis. Megatron was not so open about his increasing paranoia but anymech with optics and audials could tell that their illustrious leader was loosing recharge over something. Most just assumed it was Starscream, as usual.

Starscream paced his quarters, thinking. "There has to be a way to get rid of them! But no matter how many I dispose of there's always more of them!" He'd tried to figure out if it was Skywarp's doing (which he strongly suspected), but either the little glitch was being unusually angelic or unusually sneaky (the latter seemed more likely). In frustration Starscream sat down on his recharge berth only to jump back up again at the sound of another giggle. "Little fragger!" He grabbed the small blue toy and flung it at the door. Just as Megatron walked in. The little bear flew true, smacking the illustrious leader of the Decepticons in the face plates.

"Well what do we have here?" Megatron stepped on the toy and it gave out a small squeak. Both mechs looked down at it, optics twitching. It took a moment, but Megatron gained his composure and glared at Starscream. "This has gone too far. As your commander, I demand that this infernal annoyance be stopped."

"What? This wasn't your idea to torment _me_? Because it sure wasn't mine. If I was going to torment you I'd have gone about it with more _finesse_." Starscream hissed back at his now seething leader. Wrong thing to say. Megatron's fusion cannon powered up and before Starscream could get another word in edgewise, he found himself in the med bay facing a very murderous looking Hook.

Megatron, having taken out Starscream, assumed all of this nonsense with those despicable, colored, cotton filled organics would have been put to an end. Ensuring that Starscream was indeed in the med bay, he continued on to the bridge, where his third in command was waiting for him.

"Soundwave, is the project complete yet?" Soundwave looked up from the 'weapon of the week™' and glanced at his leader. Megatron was looking slightly murderous today, best to play it safe.

"Project status: incomplete." Megatron's optic twitched at that statement.

"What do you mean incomplete?" Soundwave sighed behind his mask. This was going to be a long afternoon he thought as Megatron went off on a rant about this, that and the other thing, basically every little thing that was annoying him today. In the middle of Megatron's rant a shrill giggle wafted towards them. Megatron stiffened.

"Did you hear?" Soundwave just looked quizzically at his leader. "Never mind it was probably one of those infernal trouble makers of yours." Now it was Soundwave's turn to glare, but discreetly behind his visor. It wouldn't do to end up rooming with Starscream in the med bay.

"Let's play! Will you be my friend?" The overly cheerful voice floated by again. This time Megatron looked around to see where the fragging voice was coming from. He finally spotted it, next to one of the windows. It waved.

"I love you!" The cheerful yellow bear squeaked out. Megatron growled and powered up his fusion cannon. He was aiming it at the annoyance when Soundwave broke into his concentration.

"Observation: nothing there. Shooting walls of ship: not good for structural integrity." Megatron's jaw dropped.

"What do you mean 'nothing there'?! How can you not see that yellow cotton menace waving at us?! It is just asking to be incinerated!" He was now franticly pointing in the direction of the yellow Care Bear.

Soundwave merely replied calmly, "Observation: overworked. Suggestion: recharge." Soundwave watched silently as Megatron was rendered speechless, and then proceeded to mutter about Unicron and death by the Care Bear Stare. Soundwave then proceeded to stand and literally dragged Megatron to his quarters.

"Suggested action: Recharge now." Soundwave intoned. Megatron didn't fight it, Soundwave would never lie about something like this, pranking wasn't his style. If it had been Skywarp or the cassette twins...but this was his trusted third in command, perhaps he truly had been working too hard.

After getting Megatron to his quarters and insuring that he was going to stay there, Soundwave went back to working on the project until it was time for him to start monitor duty.

No sooner had Megatron fallen into a deep recharge, when he was woken up by that irritating giggling. No wait, he wasn't in his quarters anymore. Around him was a vast grassy field with blue, pink, and yellow flowers, a rainbow in the clouds, and soft singing in the background. He began walking. Muttering to himself about how he was going to tear Starscream apart. Wait... he'd already done that once today. Oh well, he could do it again later. It wasn't like the fragger was going anywhere soon. No sooner had the thought crossed his processor than the brightly colored seeker appeared.

"Lord Megatron! Where the frag are we?" Starscream was looking around with a disgusted expression. Instead of answering the seeker, Megatron charged and tackled him to the ground.

"I am sick and tired of your annoying antics! Now shut up before I deactivate you!" Fusion cannon powered up and aimed directly at Starscream's spark Megatron almost fired.

"Now, that isn't very nice of you." A small, furry, organic bear with a star and rainbow on his tummy had walked up to the fighting mechs. "It's so much better to be friends. Do you want to play with us?" Several more bear like organics came up to them. Each with a different color and symbol on their tummy. Starscream, being closer to the ground level, was able to recognize them as the Care Bears he'd seen around the Nemesis the last couple of weeks.

"I'll deactivate you for good!" he screeched. Throwing Megatron off of him he lunged at the small creatures. They were fast, but he was much faster. Transforming into jet mode he took off and started shooting down at the small vermin. Below him he could hear Megatron's fusion cannon powering up and firing upon the colorful animals. They were relentless. No matter how many times they went down they came back again fully healed and what was worse is they kept talking!

"Come be our friend! That isn't very nice. We should play together! I love you! Smile!" Their smiling faces and cute little button noses made the mechs want to purge their tanks.

Growing tired Starscream landed next to Megatron. That seemed to be the cue the little pests were waiting for. They swarmed en masse. Bringing the two Decepticons to the ground and yelling at the top of their fuzzy little lungs, "Care Bear Stare!!!" Soon the two 'cons were buried under a mountain of Care Bears.

"Ah! No, get them off of me!!! They're everywhere!!" Starscream yelled and thrashed until suddenly something very solid and not at all stuffed animal-esk hit his helm.

"Wake up you fragger. If you don't shut up the whole army's gonna be down here wondering who's finally murdered you and I'll never get any recharge." Hook was holding a very large, and very sharp looking tool in his hand as he said this.

Starscream withered at the sight and shut his mouth. Inwardly, he was relieved to be back inside the dank walls of the Nemesis facing normal, everyday perils. He could almost kiss Hook. Almost.

What a nightmare. Care Bears and even a smiling sun! Wait.... mechs don't have nightmares....

In his quarters several floors above the med bay Megatron had just woken up and was thinking the exact same thing. Both mechs came to the conclusion at the same time.

In the monitor room, his blue optics glittering behind the red visor and a smirk plastered beneath his mask was the mech in question, his partner in crime flat on the floor behind him laughing his aft off, as the telepath's name echoed throughout the base.

"SOUNDWAVE!!!!!"

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-END

We read more fan fics than we watch of the Transformers cartoons so if we snagged anyone's ideas thinking they were cannon, we apologize and please let us know if you wish us to credit them to you.

When Soundwave tells Megatron "Observation: overworked" My computer (who's name is Prowl by the way. Who says the Autobot SIC doesn't have a sense of humor?) wanted to put "Observation: overCHARGED." We decided against it as we needed Soundwave to be conscious for the end.

And yes Soundwave has BLUE optics in this. Make of it what you will. * snicker *

I saw this bunny on LJ and thought 'That's hilarious but I don't know how I'd ever make it work'. Kittara saw this and a light bulb went on. The ending came to her this morning and she attacked me with the idea. Between the two of us: ta-dah story!!

Oh and brownies if you can guess who Soundwave's partner in crime is. Hint: the Care Bears weren't Soundwave's idea, he just helped.


End file.
